widely

Sometimes when the wrong color is on the wrong cap, I think about eating preschool lunch at the State Fair and the ex who overpopulates my dreams, I don’t want to be holding myself back, comparing sole-focused types or easily drunken types, my neither abyss leaves me drowsy for days and in between wildly alive, rarely satisfied, the good kid in me clarified, I chew through calm for something beating, it’s a rhythm only I’m good at repeating, trusting the things that slip away, and those that won’t unstuck, it’s hard to get off a ride when it’s fun, but when you throw up, whether you like it or not, you’re done, notified ending, I’m not sure I need the world to watch this transitioning digging for genuine in a sandbox.

***

When I was a child
in between the oozey stickiness
leaks and holey door screens
there was something sharp in my experiencing
a freshness, an unfolding
at the same time, everything was permeating into me
there was no shell for my soft body
I didn’t even know a shell was possible
So I shrunk away eating
a lot that wasn’t mine
some was beautiful
most made my belly ache
hard to trust that this would slip away
it was constant cycling
When I finally found those who gazed
at me with understanding
it was the unfolding
I could see more clearly
gentle dirt to walk on
tears fell
an embrace
a steady unwinding
I worked hard not to blur the lines
I’m still working
there is so much more space between my aches now
a bright ribbon unraveling, I’m ready to follow
believing the possibility of living widely
with fresh softness.

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